What Am I Running From?

As a solo female backpacker, traveler, nomad, vagabond, vanlifer, dirtbag, wanderer and whatever other labels assigned to me, I get this question a lot. Like A. Lot. And it never really made sense to me. Why do I need to be running from something in order to justify seeking an adventurous life? Why should there be this overlying struggle or unsettlement behind this desire to explore the beautiful world we live on? Why is it not acceptable to travel just for the sake of travel or live on the road just because you genuinely love the freedom and adventure?

So many people have asked me if the reason I travel is because I’m seeking external happiness or if I’m running from my shadows back home or if I’m just too scared to settle down. Because of the multitude of people saying all of these things over the course of my many years of travel, they really started to sink in. I’ve had to do lots of soul searching in order to discover what I was so-called “running from”. And what I discovered was that I’m not running from something, but instead, running to something. I’m running to challenges and new experiences. I’m running to discomfort. I’m running to growth, learning, and healing. I’m running to opening my mind to new cultures, new languages, and new ways of thinking.

I’ve discovered that I feel most fulfilled when faced with incredibly trying and difficult challenges. When I’m in a village of 25 people in the literal middle of nowhere Bosnia where no one speaks a single word of English, and I’m able to figure out what I need, where I need to go and how to get there, all with knowing a total of two Bosnian words, I am DAMN proud of myself.

I feel fulfilled.

I feel fulfilled when I hitchhike 3000+ miles across 11 countries and have the craziest stories to tell! I feel fulfilled when I get to spend time in one place and truly get to know the people, the culture, the language, the food, and the land. I feel fulfilled getting to experience the immense kindness and generosity and true humanness of people when they give out of the little that they have. I feel fulfilled connecting with peoples’ souls even when we don’t speak a word of each others’ languages. I am fulfilled when my days are not a mundane, routine collection of hours that I just try to make it through. I’m fulfilled when my days are full of adventure, excitement, learning, creating new experiences, meeting beautiful souls, hardships and challenges. I am fulfilled when I can fly across the world alone while battling with aggressive depression and anxiety and I’m able to work through it and get stronger every single day. I am fulfilled when I have the opportunity to work at a Buddhist center in France or on a permaculture garden in Australia or at an artsy/hipster campground in Romania. I am fulfilled by traveling.

My days when backpacking through Europe or road tripping in my converted SUV or living in a tent in Utah for a month are filled with so much life. The experiences that I have while traveling could never fully be expressed in words. I have had some of my hardest, most challenging, most depressive days in my existence while traveling. But I have also had my most beautiful, magical, captivating and awe-inspiring days as well. And through all of these highs and lows, I’ve been able to dive deep into my own inner healing and learn so much about myself and about this wild journey that we call life.

Traveling has given me life, it has given me purpose and excitement. It has helped me see so much beauty but also so much despair in the world. It has lead me to my darkest rock bottom, but also to my highest mountain tops.

The quote, “Not all who wander are lost” genuinely does speak so much truth. Wandering is a beautiful way to exist. It takes you out of your comfort zone. It takes you out of the narrow-minded views that have been instilled in you by your culture, your religion, your peers, your family, or any other significant influences in your life. Wandering is a way to seek more than what has been offered to you. It is a way to follow the compass of your soul and let the universe guide you to find the highest version of yourself.

Seeing someone as “lost” or saying they’re running away or unhappy internally only because they travel isn’t necessarily a fair judgment. Because to tell you the truth, we’re all a little lost and we’re all a little unhappy internally and we all have pasts that we’ve been guilty of trying to escape or run from. Every single person on this planet is just trying to do their best. We’re all navigating through this journey in the way that works best for our own soul.

Maybe what’s best for your soul is marrying your high school sweetheart and having five beautiful babies and creating an amazing, loving family. Maybe what’s best for your soul is working your ass off day in and day out to reach the career of your dreams. Maybe what’s best for your soul is working a million different odd jobs to explore all that you are capable of. Or maybe what’s best for your soul is not exactly knowing what’s best and just allowing the wind to take you wherever it leads. Everyone has a different story. My story is traveling.

I travel to create memories, to have take-your-breath-away kind of moments, to expand my comfort zone, to find guidance on my spiritual path, and to get even a tiny glimpse of what this incredibly vast and beautiful world has to offer.

So yea, maybe I am running away. I’m running away from complacency. I’m running away from living a mundane, unsatisfying and unfulfilling life. I’m running away from feeling stuck and unhappy. I’m running away from regret if I didn’t challenge myself in these ways.

I’m running away from the life I don’t want to live and running to the most fulfilling and exciting existence I could possibly dream of.

I hope you run. I hope you run away from the life you don’t want and into the life that captivates you, that lights your soul on fire, that makes you not want to fall asleep at night because being awake is just so damn good. I really hope you run.