Bitter Sweet End

I’m currently sitting at the airport in Malaga, Spain, fighting back the tears that have been burning behind my eyes for the past 24 hours. After 66 days in Europe, my journey has come to a heartbreaking end. Twenty-four hours ago, I was working on booking a rental car to road trip around Spain for the next three weeks, planning all my destinations and dreaming of the moment when I would finally arrive in Barcelona and dance in the middle of the street. Dancing in Barcelona is something I have dreamed of for years and it was so close I could almost taste it.

But in 7 hours, I will be getting on a flight back into the US, so that dream will not become a reality for me right now. Nor will the next six months I had planned in Europe. And I’m trying to be okay with this.

Sometimes things just happen and they are out of our control. Being in Italy during the constant rise of Coronavirus, I was able to see how serious things were getting there, but thankfully I was able to get out in time. The flight that I had booked to Spain was the day before they shut down the boarders, so I was able to make it out just in time.

Honestly, with the media making such a huge deal about how dangerous Italy was, it was kind of nice for me when I was there. I mean, I was already there, but the other hundred thousand other tourists who were planning to go weren’t, so I was able to explore some amazing cities almost completely tourist-free!

Then after Italy, Spain was almost the same thing. In Malaga, there were a good amount of people, but it wasn’t completely overrun by tourists, which is exactly how I like it! Spending a few days in Malaga, you would have thought there was absolutely nothing wrong in the world. The city was alive. There were markets, and festivals, and hundreds of people soaking in the sun on the beach drinking cervezas! Life was so good.

Then as I was planning transportation to my next destination of Granada, I get a call from the guy I was planning on staying with telling me I should plan to arrive a day earlier because the roads were going to be shutting down the next day. He also said the city was on the verge of going on lockdown, not allowing anyone to leave their houses. Like, what?! This took me completely by surprise since I hadn’t heard anything like this about Spain and I was checking the news every day.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Google informed me that Spain had just declared that they are in a state of emergency, all the major cities were shut down, and the smaller cities were on their way to doing the same. How did all of this change so suddenly just from the night before?!

I have been getting messages from people back at home for weeks at this point asking if I was okay and wondering if I was planning on coming home. I appreciated their concern so much, but my answer was always heck no! I was not going to let this media outbreak ruin this dream trip that I had been planning for years.

Even with some businesses and schools shutting down, that still was not going to convince me to go home. I was not ready at all. So, I was doing all I could to find ways for me to stay. I had been staying with hosts from WorkAway and CouchSurfing for my whole trip at that point and I knew I would be able to find awesome people who would host me as I continued my European travels, even if I did get stuck in Spain for a while.

I was also in the process of renting a car, so if I couldn’t find a host, I could just drive to a free campsite and spend a few nights in my hammock under the starts (which honestly sounds like the best way to spend the night anyway!). I knew I would be able to figure it out and I had absolutely zero intention of going home yet.

I was on and off the phone with my mom, dad, and sister all afternoon with all three of them trying to convince me that it would be the best idea to try to get on a flight home. I kept saying no over and over again, thinking that going home would be taking the easy way out. I knew that with all these shut downs, it would definitely make this trip a bit more challenging, but I very rarely back down from a challenge. Honestly, with so many people telling me to come home, it made me want to stay even more just to prove that I would be able to figure it out and still have an amazing time even in these circumstances.

When I am faced with any sort of stress or big decision (or honestly anything), I always turn to music. I put on my favorite playlist and started to really think about my decision and the rest of this trip. After hearing how serious this situation was getting, and after listening to everyone giving me all of the logic and reason of why I should go home, I knew deep down that going home was the smart decision. However, I knew 100% I was not ready to go home. I honestly don’t ever really like to do the smart thing, I like to do the most fulfilling thing, which in this case for me would be staying in Europe. I had the next six months planned out of what countries I was hoping to go to, what I wanted to see, adventures I wanted to go on. I was even trying to figure out how I would be able to stay in Europe even longer. So, I knew where my heart was and it was completely in Europe.

But then I started to really reflect on my original desires for this trip and what I was hoping for it to be. And I realized that I didn’t want to come to Europe to see all the monuments and visit all the museums and see all the landscapes. I mean, of course, those are definitely part of it. But I came to Europe to truly experience it. To experience every different culture. Every different language. Every different way of life and world view. To truly immerse myself into these countries. I came to meet people and share stories and create connections and friendships and relationships. I came to dance the night away in every country. To live like the locals. To try their favorite foods, see their favorite places, experience their favorite things to do, walk their favorite paths. To leave behind my American worldview and get a glimpse into someone else’s. I came to go to festivals and carnivals and parties and concerts. I came to hang out with people who laugh at me when I completely butcher the one sentence in Greek that I know. To make friends as I’m walking through the streets exploring. To sit around the fire with twenty people I just met that day and just play music together.

I realized that the past few months in Europe have been absolutely incredible not because of the places I’ve seen, but the people I’ve seen them with. The friendships I’ve made, the laughs we’ve shared, the life-fulfilling moments I’ve experienced. The people not the places have made this trip so unforgettable. And I know it would not be the same if I wasn’t able to continue to make relationships like I have while being here.

When I reflected on that, I sadly came to the heartbreaking conclusion that not only for my safety, but also for my heart’s sake, the best decision is probably to go home. As bad as this virus situation is, it’s getting worse every single day and I feel like if I stay, I am just going to be so disappointed because this trip will not be what I’ve always dreamed it to be and what it’s been so far the past two and a half months. It will be significantly lonelier and that’s not what I wanted for this European adventure. What is an amazing experience if you have no one to share it with?

It’s going to be so hard for me to get onto that flight and finally accept the reality that is adventure has truly come to an end. But I have made some absolutely incredible and amazing memories and I am beyond grateful for them and I know I am truly blessed. Maybe in a few years, I will look back and realize that this whole thing was just a blessing in disguise. I know my European adventure isn’t over forever. I know I will be back one day to finish this adventure that I started. I just have to get over this roadblock.

In the meantime, I’m already starting to plan my next adventure (which I’m hoping involves my beloved Ford Escape and some South American roads!).

As I was listening to my music earlier, I turned on the song Try Everything by Shakira, which always helps me feel better when I’m sad. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, this one line really stuck out to me:

“Look how far you’ve come, you’ve filled your heart with love. You’ve done enough, take a deep breath. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t need to run so fast.”

That hit home so hard. I have come so far on this journey. When it came to such a sudden end, it felt to me like I had just started, and I was going to miss out on so much that I had planned. But then I looked back at the past two and a half months and all the things I’ve done and the places I’ve seen and I’ve truly experienced so much. I realized I need to look at all the positives of all the things I’ve accomplished, not just the negatives of my trip being cut short.

“Don’t beat yourself up, don’t need to run so fast”. I realized I have so much more life to live and just because my European journey right now is over, that doesn’t mean it’s over forever. I don’t need to see the whole world in this short time span (even though I totally want to!). Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and I still have so much more time to get back here and fulfil this dream.

Through the thousands of tears I’ve cried in the past twenty-four hours, I know that blessings will come out of this. I’m closing this chapter and turning the page to start my next one. Who knows what life will bring next. Hopefully it’s full of travel and adventure!

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened

-Dr. Seuss

77 hours, 2 countries, 5 airports, 5,854 miles….. Check out this video of the craziness of trying to get to the US from Spain in the middle of a pandemic.