Allowing Myself To Be Broken

Don’t you get lonely? Isn’t it scary? Isn’t it challenging? Don’t you miss home?

After five months of solo backpacking through Europe, I’ve been getting these questions consistently. And the short answer to all of them is yes. Yes, it does get lonely. Yes, it can be scary. Yea, I miss home sometimes. And yea, this has by far been one of the most challenging experiences of my entire life.

But I’m welcoming all of this discomfort with open arms. I am allowing myself to be challenged and scared and uncomfortable and broken.

Why? Why would I subject myself to this type of pain? Why would I leave a place of safety and comfort and deliberately choose to launch myself into this unknown world of culture shock, language barriers, and inevitable discomfort?

The answer lies in the growth. There has been an immense amount of healing and growth that has taken flight in my soul on this journey. In only five months, I have experienced some of the most traumatic, challenging, and heartbreaking events of my life thus far. I have been torn down time and time again and have been brought to my absolute breaking point more than once. And yet, I am here, able to to share this story.

We as humans genuinely are capable of handling so much more than we can even imagine. We surround ourselves with so much comfort though that we are not pushed to our limits enough to truly explore the endless capacity of our resilience. There have been so many times on this trip that I have cried out to the universe that I literally cannot handle anymore. And then immediately got hit with another shit storm… And then, I survived every single one of those shit storms. I could handle more.

These challenges have taught me an incredible amount about myself and how to handle hardships. They have made me strong, brave, and resilient.

I have learned how to be alone. I have learned how to process through the emotion of feeling lonely. I have learned how to be my own comfort and support system in those times of loneliness.

I’ve learned my boundaries and my physical and mental limits. I’ve learned about what triggers me, how to process through those triggers, learn what they are trying to teach me and work through those unhealed parts of myself. I’ve learned more about my depression and anxiety and how to soothe myself during the darkest of times. I’ve learned about my love languages and how I give and receive love for my highest sense of fulfillment.

I’ve taken a deep dive into different spiritualities and learning what resonates most with my soul. I’ve learned how to open my mind and truly listen to other peoples’ perspectives, opinions, and ways of life.

The most important thing that I’m learning though is how to unconditionally, truly and deeply fall in love with myself. I have battled with self-worth issues for as long as I can remember. I have consistently sought external comforts in times of painful feelings of unworthiness because I have never felt enough for myself. However, I am learning how to find fulfillment only in myself and needing nothing external to feel complete or satisfied.

This trip has put me on the path to a deep internal healing journey and I am a changed woman because of it. I wake up every single day genuinely trying to pursue the highest version of myself. I am uncovering new layers of myself that I never even knew existed and I really am falling in love with this eternal soul of mine. Through this, I am also able to fall in love with all of the beautiful souls around me as well. We are all just energetic beings, exploring this beautiful earth together and in learning to love myself better, I am also able to love every other soul around me better as well.

It can be so difficult to see the light when faced with so much darkness, but when reflecting on all of the hardships of the last few months, I have an immense amount of gratitude for those dark days. Many times, it’s when you’re at your lowest point when you start to realize that something needs to change. Without all of those trying experiences, I would not be here, boldly pursuing my growth and healing.

I do understand that traveling to the other side of the world alone, with no plans, and not much money comes with challenges. However, I am running towards them head on! I am allowing myself to be broken so that the light can shine through all the broken pieces. Through each broken heart, I am putting the pieces back together in a new and transformed way. I am learning, growing and healing every single day and I hope that the world keeps throwing difficulties my way so I can keep using them to light the path to my best and highest self.

When’s the last time you challenged yourself? Like did something really difficult that pushed you to your mental or emotional limit? If it’s been a while, I hope you gain a bit of inspiration from these words and put yourself in that place. I can almost guarantee that you are SO much stronger and more resilient than you think. There are still so many parts of you waiting to be discovered or healed and it’s your job to bring them to the light. Life isn’t meant to be a mundane experience that you’re just getting through every day. It’s meant to be a wild and crazy adventure in pursuit of your best and most amazing self!

So please, for yourself, go out and challenge yourself. Go put yourself in the midst of hardship and discomfort. Allow yourself to be broken so that you can put the pieces back together in a new, beautiful, and amazing way!

“Finding yourself” isn’t actually that. You are not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you’ve drawn that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you

Emily McDowell